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So tomorrow I'm going home for the holidays for a couple of weeks.

I'm not going to lie, some of the memories from my childhood are not the best. In the later years of living there in highschool I would get really bad migraines from stress. I guess I just don't want it to bring on some seasonal depression.

I know some other people have pretty hard families experiences, but no matter what my family has been through or done I will always love them.

Wish me luck through this holiday season. I'll probably be blotting a lot. :)

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saturday night..

 

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weighing

It's 3am and this post is coming from my phone.

Lately I've been having flashbacks of things that have happened to me in the past. Mostly bad, but a few good ones scattered in. So I have taken the liberty to start writing them down. I want them to help inspire me instead of haunt me. Honestly I feel that this is easier said than done. I'm hoping that when I start writing a book that I can use these memories as fuel to my fire. Turning my negatives into something more.

So I leave you with this question this morning. When you have memories does your bad outweigh your good? How do you handle this?

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reminders

 

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Write a reminder! Whenever you're feeling down look at it, make sure you write something that is uplifting. Something that makes you smile. Gives you the warm and fuzzies!

Concepts

 

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As I'm writing this I'm realizing how hard and how easy it is to let someone down. Sometimes you don't even know you are until after the fact. 

Life is full of hard concepts to understand. What is on you're struggling with tonight?

Relapse happens.

I think when talking about depression and recovery you have to talk about another word.

Relapse.

Yeah just like another addiction or cancer you can relapse. It doesn't mean have another bad day. It means having another day that you write a suicide note or lay out the pills or bawl on the floor with a razor. It means all those nasty thoughts that you never thought you'd have again bringing you down.
But let me tell you a secret.

Relapse happens to everyone.

You're not the only one that thought they were getting better. And it may not mean you're getting worse either. Everyone has a trigger, you just have to be the one in control. Get help. Call someone. Go have a cigarette or a coffee. Relax. I KNOW this is easier said than done. But get in control.

Two summers ago I was taking summer classes 3 1/2 hours from my hometown. I was living with a family friend that worked nights and campus was kind of dead, you could almost see the tumbleweeds.  I had just started anti-depressants and anti-crazy pills, and this was at the peak of my depression.

That night i 'cracked' again I called my friend K and M to come get me. I needed out of my head. I needed my mom. I called her at 2 am suicidal and raving mad. My friends calmed me down, got me cigs, and watched disney movies with me all night. That is real friend ship. And it takes courage to ask for help. You are not helpless in this act, but helping yourself. I think that is what some people do not understand.

I say this every post. If you don't have someone or feel comfortable talking to someone I have an email address, everything will be anonymous. pinky swear.: Dontforgetthelight@gmail.com

<3

inspiring photos.

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born. never. forget.

Anonymous

You are going to move through this.

More importantly, I love you. YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE THROUGH THIS.
Don't be defeated. Submit yourself to the process. You are growing. You are changing. You are doing LIFE.

...I am not trying to make you feel better. This f++ing hurts, and there are no two ways around it. But I am trying to encourage you to not retreat. I can't remove the pain, but I am going to hold your hand while it hurts.

Continue to reach out. You need people right now.

I'm here for anything you need.

You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.

Love you my friend.

- Anonymous

keep going..

So for some reason I seem to be a pack rat, no matter how much i clea.
But I'm also a pack rat for memories. That doesn't sound so horrible, in some cases it is a blessing. But tonight as I was sketching on my big paper pad, I found a sad memory on the page behind.

I found a suicide note i wrote what seems like ages and ages ago behind my drawing. I drew it on my big paper pad cause I didn't want anyone to miss it.. in big bold black writing. All it say's is

"Keeping an eye on the world
So many thousands of feet off the ground
I'm over you now I'm at home in the clouds
Towering over your head.." 

For some reason these lyrics were my farewell at the time. Before my boyfriend came and talked me off the metaphoric ledge i was standing on. 

I feel like this happens to many people. We lay out the pills, we write the note, we tie the noose. But (thankfully) many of our attempts never catch. To those who do "succeed", I just wish I could speak to those people for five minutes. To let them know life will get better.

Tonight i ripped up a note that means nothing to me now, just words on a piece of paper.

Will You Be Able To Rip Up Your Note?

 

tumor

A teacher I know and have had was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was honestly really hard for me to hear that. We are not super close but she over saw my internship and that was a segment of my life that was full of new experiences and more evolving on my part. But anyway she came to class to the class she was originally teaching today. It was very hard to see her that way, in a wheel chair, not being able to move her right side of her body. But she wanted to talk to us, tell us about her travels, ask her questions about class.

She said two things. That she perused her dreams and goals. And that she had no regrets.

Always go for your goals, No Matter What.

Ruth Glock

last night

So yesterday i wrote a draft of a post but decided that one can wait, this one is more on my mind.

I had a bit of an argument with someone I thought was a new friend. I was trying to tell him my story via facebook chat. (online it can be hard to tell voice tone, sarcasm, etc) But I guess I mistook some momentary amount of kindness for caring. I like to tell people my journey (hence this blog) because it helps me as a person to cope with things that have happened in my life and I feel like it makes me stronger. But he kept telling me I was wrong, that these things were little things and I should get over them. Then he proceeded to try to "one up" me and tell me the things that have happened to him are worse and that I have never felt pain.

I got angry, which I feel anyone in that situation might, but now i regret that. I didn't say anything horrible to him, I just told him I had to go cause I didn't want to say anything I'd want to take back later (go me!), which is something I wouldn't have done even a year ago, I most likely would have stayed a fight it out.

I woke up this morning to find a facebook message from him apologizing, but I will defiantly be taking it with a grain of salt.

I guess the moral of this is several things. First off Tell Your Story. I have always found it better to talk it out. If you don't feel comfortable telling everyone like i do, tell one person, tell someone you meet in an online chat, tell me! (dontforgetthelight@gmail.com), tell your closest friend. But Tell SOMEONE. Don't suffer in silence. 

Secondly, When someone tells you their story, Do NOT put them down or Tell them they don't have it that bad. Everyone experiences pain and sadness, no story is better or worse than anyone elses.  We all look at the world differently, so who are you to tell someone that their sadness is pointless.

I hope these things help someone. I hope someone reads this and feels better.

This was a wordy post, next one I'll try to get some inspirational pictures up here.

You must look into other people as well as at them.

Lord Chesterfield

hello.

So, I've had a blog before and still do, but not one quite as personal as this one will be. 

I have always wanted to create something or do something that helps others. But not having the funds or the substantial time to donate right now in my situation (we'll get there MUCH later) i decided to create a blog. A blog is something I can do at one in the morning. It's a medium to get my voice out there, to get mine and other peoples stories out there.

And the number one thing I want people to know Is that I'm always here. and I always will be. A helpful hand and a listening ear.

Honestly, I'm a horrible blogger on my other one. Sometimes i have no idea to write and with school i run out of time. But for this one i think i have plenty of material to start with.

And like i said i'll always be here.. if not through blogger land then email. I CHECK ALL MY EMAILS REGULARLY. Its like a drug haha. but my email for you is dontforgetthelight@gmail.com. Use it, live it, love it!

And i promise it won't get boring or preachy.. I believe in art and music and culture to get through surviving into thriving.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
Helen Keller