hey there

Sorry I haven't posted in a really long time guys. The holidays were really crazy and I've been working like crazy since I got back to school.

I think that you guys should know a little more about me. I think who I am and how I was raised is a big part of me and helps to shape how I've handled things in my life.

I was raised in a lower middle class family as a third child. My parents never went to college and my father didn't even go to high school. He was a member of 12 children and after eighth grade he was expected to go to work. This made growing up more difficult since we had to live pay check to pay check. But no matter what my mom was determined to give me as many opportunities as I could get. I played soccer, took dance lessons and swimming lessons. I had piano, guitar and tennis lessons. I was very involved in our church with youth group, hand bells and choir, as well as fundraising.

This is a pretty long post so I'm going to do this in sections, so I guess consider this part I.

Also I do not want anyone to think I'm complaining about anything that has happened to me. I just want this to be an outlet for my and my memories. I also hope to help someone or for them to learn from my mistakes and success.

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i'll never forget

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This evening/morning I feel slightly empty. Not sure if its the meds i take that make me think too much. The sadness a conversation can spur. I just had a cig with my brother. He says he doesn't feel empty and hasn't for four years. Since he was in the boys and girls home for nine months. He said he just let go. Knows that someday he is going to die, and when you die you let go. He believes when you die there is just nothingness. That there is no heaven or hell. He said He doesn't know how to tell mom he loves her. And he said he really does love her. I don't know how to help him with this. This friction in my family. The emotional lines that have been crossed and knotted up. I want to help him but i'm in those exact emotional knots.